I am seriously terrible at regularly posting on this blog. In any case, I'm glad that whoever is reading this has stuck around. The past couple weeks that I haven't posted have been crazy stressful and with that comes a lot of different emotions. It has really been a roller coaster ride so far. I'm happy one minute, anxious the next, sad, lonely, excited, you name any emotion and I have probably felt most of them within the span of this month.
I started this program a little unsure of myself because everyone around me is so professional, and they all have so much talent. Most of the time, if I'm being honest, I would be feeling really inferior to all these other people. I would watch them recite a monologue or do a scene and think, "Damn, why aren't I that good?" or "Do I really belong here?" I feel like it's normal to feel these things in an environment like this. Luckily, as the the weeks go on my confidence grows and I am able to lift myself up, instead of tearing myself down. Of course, some days are worse than others and I find myself slipping back into insecurities and self-doubt, but I just have to remind myself that I was chosen to be in this program for a reason, whether it feels like it or not.
I can assure you I'm not just wallowing in sadness and despair from my inferiority complex. I actually have good days most of the time. My voice class really helps lift me up and better myself. I am able to share things in voice that otherwise I would keep inside, so it has been really healthy for me to air everything out. The exercises we do to help free our natural voices are also really soothing and help me to use the full capacity of my voice. The instructor, Paul, is honestly amazing. He is the most compassionate person I have ever met and has taught me more about my own voice than I ever thought possible.
I also have some pretty amazing friends here that constantly support and encourage me. I have to say that I don't think I have ever had a support group that is this big and this wonderful. Everyone truly cares about one another and it's just so awesome to see. I love sharing work with them and getting their feedback. Before this program, I was a bit hesitant to get criticisms of my work (which is stupid because I'm an actor), but now I find it so helpful and love sharing even works in progress with my fellow apprentices.
On a different note, I thought I was going to hate living in the dorms at Babson because I had such a terrible experience my freshman year of college with dorm life, but I surprisingly really like it. There is a sense of community here that I would not have gotten had I commuted. I don't feel lonely anymore because I live with so many of my friends. It's also really interesting because people will just leave their doors open and anyone can just go and hangout in their room. It makes me feel so welcomed and loved. I thought I would want to go home every break that I got, but now all I want to do is stay and be with my friends.
Rehearsals are going well. We just had our first run-through the other day and most people are actually off-book, which is great! I have to say, my favorite part of the rehearsal process so far has been the fight choreography. We are doing all of the fights in slow motion, which is really cool. *Spoiler Alert* I also had a lot of fun the other day working on my death scene (weird, I know). I have to pace round the stage and weave through slow motion battles during the whole scene. I also get to curse my murderer in Latin after I get stabbed, which is just super fun. Our director really likes to play around with scenes and explore different possibilities. He is a very hands-on kind of director, which I appreciate. My scene work on the Olivia, Viola scene from Twelfth Night is going really well. The staging that my partner and I are coming up with is coming together nicely so far. I am also working on a Juliet monologue for our apprentice recital and I am finding a lot of different ways to play her, which is really fun.
Sorry this post was so all over the place, but I just wanted to throw out how I am feeling.
Until next time!
~Courtney